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Stewy's foolproof guide to
Yes, thats right. Read
on. This was originally meant for a school magazine, where not only was the article edited
but many people did not understand many of the parts. This is just light reading, and not
meant to be taken seriously.
My apologies to
directors, you guys rule! I want to become a director one day. Sorry that i have paid you
and now the article...
step-by-step Guide to Winning an Oscar
Not interested in a Nobel Peace prize? Olympic medals just dont do it for you? Use
Saturas step-by-step guide to get your hands on the trendiest and easiest of all
awards an Oscar!
1. Acting Oscars
Forget anything that aspiring actors say about the importance of diversity. These actors,
remember, are aspiring, and will soon learn that only certain roles and movies will win
Oscars. Preferred, Easy-Oscar Roles:
· The psychopathic mental patient (The Silence of the Lambs, One flew
over the Cuckoos Nest, Shine)
· The atractive girl who must befriend the psychopathic mental patient
(The Silence of the Lambs, One flew over the Cuckoos Nest)
· The lovable hero who rises from hard circumstances (EVERY other Oscar
2. Directing Oscars.
If you feel that you do not fit any of these roles, do not despair- The Movie industry has
a place for spineless wimps- also called directors. Remember you do not need to read the
script. Simply twist and contort this script, filling in the gaps, calling it your
flair and change the ideas behind it completely. You even get to yell at inept
actors. When choosing a movie to direct, remember: The bigger, the better. Larger Budget
means more money to spend on your personal, on-location caravan, and even your personal
on-location Jacuzzi, sauna and lap pool.
Epics are your only hope- a big movie can only be successful with a good story. And why
write your own, when you can steal someone elses? Choose a historical event, inject
400 million dollars and an all-star cast and change the ending if need be, and you have a
definite Oscar winner.
Its True- Just ask Steven Spielberg (Schindlers List), James Cameron (Titanic.
The advantages of being a director:
· Social skills are neither required nor encouraged.
· Megalomania and hallucinations are all part of the job.
· Messy facial hair is mandatory.
· You get to slag off about the actors on the DVD version of the film.
The photogenic Francis Ford Coppola (on a good day)
If you feel you cannot successfully win any of these awards, relocate
to a small foreign country and recruit a group of obscure actors, who speak a language
that you dont understand, and hopefully the Oscar judges wont, either. Add an
incomprehensible and complicated plotline, and you have yourself a Best Foreign
On Your Big Day.
What you wear to the ceremony is more important. Try and be
imaginative- the famous American Express Dress did not win the wearer an
Oscar, but her photo appeared in just about every magazine cover on earth, and possibly
quite a few others as well. This is what the Oscars is about- publicity. Who ever watched
the last Oscar and commented Gee, shes intelligent!?
The Acceptance Speech
In recent years, a 45-second limit has been imposed on speeches. Ignore
it. It is a well-known convention in Hollywood that for every hour an actor spends
learning their script; he should spend 3 hours writing an acceptance speech. In the
speech, you must find the balance between wit and emotion. Dont appear like a stand
up comedian, but dont appear like Gwyneth Paltrow, either.
Sit back, relax, and Happy Oscar Winning!!
And while you are waiting, you might like to devour this Oscar Trivia:
· There are only three films in history that have won the top five
major awards( for Picture, Actor, Actress, Director, and Screenplay): It Happened One
Night, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and The Silence Of The Lambs
· Jack Nicholson is Oscar's most honored male actor, currently with 11
nominations, and 3 Oscar wins, most recently in 1997 for As Good as it Gets.
· Katharine Hepburn has had 12 nominations, and won 4 Oscars.
· Only 21 times in The Oscars 73 year history has the Best
Picture not also won Best Director.
· Only 2 films have won 11 Oscars- Titanic and Ben Hur.
· And finally, Russell Crowe has never been designated
driver leaving the Oscar after party.
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