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Stewy's foolproof guide to

oscar.jpg (12217 bytes)Winning an Oscaroscar.jpg (12217 bytes)

Yes, thats right. Read on. This was originally meant for a school magazine, where not only was the article edited but many people did not understand many of the parts. This is just light reading, and not meant to be taken seriously.

My apologies to directors, you guys rule! I want to become a director one day. Sorry that i have paid you out here!

and now the article...

The Easy, step-by-step Guide to Winning an Oscar

Not interested in a Nobel Peace prize? Olympic medals just don’t do it for you? Use Satura’s step-by-step guide to get your hands on the trendiest and easiest of all awards – an Oscar!

1.    Acting Oscars
Forget anything that aspiring actors say about the importance of diversity. These actors, remember, are aspiring, and will soon learn that only certain roles and movies will win Oscars. Preferred, Easy-Oscar Roles:
    The psychopathic mental patient (The Silence of the Lambs, One flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Shine)
    The atractive girl who must befriend the psychopathic mental patient (The Silence of the Lambs, One flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest)
    The lovable hero who rises from hard circumstances (EVERY other Oscar Winning movie)

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2.    Directing Oscars.
If you feel that you do not fit any of these roles, do not despair- The Movie industry has a place for spineless wimps- also called directors. Remember you do not need to read the script. Simply twist and contort this script, filling in the gaps, calling it your ‘flair’ and change the ideas behind it completely. You even get to yell at inept actors. When choosing a movie to direct, remember: The bigger, the better. Larger Budget means more money to spend on your personal, on-location caravan, and even your personal on-location Jacuzzi, sauna and lap pool.
Epics are your only hope- a big movie can only be successful with a good story. And why write your own, when you can steal someone else’s? Choose a historical event, inject 400 million dollars and an all-star cast and change the ending if need be, and you have a definite Oscar winner.
It’s True- Just ask Steven Spielberg (Schindler’s List), James Cameron (Titanic.
The advantages of being a director:
    Social skills are neither required nor encouraged.
    Megalomania and hallucinations are all part of the job.
    Messy facial hair is mandatory.
    You get to slag off about the actors on the DVD version of the film.

coppola.jpg (21966 bytes) The photogenic Francis Ford Coppola (on a good day)

Foreign Film.
    If you feel you cannot successfully win any of these awards, relocate to a small foreign country and recruit a group of obscure actors, who speak a language that you don’t understand, and hopefully the Oscar judges won’t, either. Add an incomprehensible and complicated plotline, and you have yourself a “Best Foreign Film”.
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On Your Big Day.
    What you wear to the ceremony is more important. Try and be imaginative- the famous “American Express Dress” did not win the wearer an Oscar, but her photo appeared in just about every magazine cover on earth, and possibly quite a few others as well. This is what the Oscars is about- publicity. Who ever watched the last Oscar and commented “Gee, she’s intelligent!”?

The Acceptance Speech
    In recent years, a 45-second limit has been imposed on speeches. Ignore it. It is a well-known convention in Hollywood that for every hour an actor spends learning their script; he should spend 3 hours writing an acceptance speech. In the speech, you must find the balance between wit and emotion. Don’t appear like a stand up comedian, but don’t appear like Gwyneth Paltrow, either.

Sit back, relax, and Happy Oscar Winning!!

And while you are waiting, you might like to devour this Oscar Trivia:
    There are only three films in history that have won the top five major awards( for Picture, Actor, Actress, Director, and Screenplay): It Happened One Night, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and The Silence Of The Lambs
    Jack Nicholson is Oscar's most honored male actor, currently with 11 nominations, and 3 Oscar wins, most recently in 1997 for As Good as it Gets.
    Katharine Hepburn has had 12 nominations, and won 4 Oscars.
    Only 21 times in The Oscars’ 73 year history has the Best Picture not also won Best Director.
    Only 2 films have won 11 Oscars- Titanic and Ben Hur.
    And finally, Russell Crowe has never been ‘designated driver’ leaving the Oscar after party.